sulkiness

Warning: guys, this post is full of vagueness, doubts, ambiguity. you won't find anything good or useful in it. read it at your own risk.

When things don't go right, I'm sad why they aren't right. when things are right then also i'm sad thinking is it really possible for things to go right with me? or is something still missing? or it's just momentary? why deep down inside me i have stopped seeing things as i used to see when i was a baby? am i going mad or the world is mad? why my feelings take over my commitment? why is it i loose interest in something as quickly as i got interested in it? and why is it that i have stopped doing things i loved to do? why even these things don't sustain my interest and concentration anymore? what's wrong with me? is my whole system wrong? the way i'm living my life? do i really don't know how to actually LIVE a life? or do i think toooooo much? what is it? i know, something is missing. a big piece of my life is missing. but what is it? desire? motivation? inspiration? goal? why does this empty, void feeling returns to me every now and then? when will this stop? when will i just let myself be as i am not giving importance to external factors? when will i feel complete again with myself? or has it become my state of mind? have i started believing that things will remain like this and like to see myself in this state?? is it really? have i really lost myself?

Working of Film-makers

Today, first time ever in my life, I entered a real film set. Not sure about others, but for me it was new and unknown. the director. the assistant director. the camera man. the spot-boys. they all worked as ants work. they don't give hell to outside world. work as if that's the only thing in world to do. i have seen ants working together- the ants just move in synchronicity, change their routes when they sense a road-block in their work and the most important thing-they work together- they work not just pretending to be One but as if they are One. Similarly, the crew worked. I was in awe!

I sat their in the set for 3 hours for this film, being a trivial part of it, and was just amazed at looking them how they worked-not caring about time, they were so immersed in the work that for them time just flew. 3 hours just flew! they didn't know when it came, when it went. and they have hell lot of patience. I always felt and still feel, that people who are creative have extra patience and nerve. they can be still for hours irrespective of the day or night. I don't have so much patience. i hope i get it over time.

Calling...

It's been almost an year since i have this feeling burning inside me. I accepted this feeling to myself long back but never had the guts to tell it to anybody not even to the person closest to me. But today, i think...or rather i know i can't take it anymore. I can't live like this for long. I can't pretend to myself anymore that this-is-what-i-want-to-do-it-in-life. I just can't! I feel out of place! I feel as if I'm talking about cricket with people who love animals and doesn't even know C of cricket! This just feels so odd and terrible and most importantly NOT RIGHT!!!!!

After thinking so hard for so many days,weeks errr.... months... now i'm thinking what is there that i would love to spend my life doing and when i seek for an answer inside me...i find nothing! NOTHING!!!! Nothing AT ALL!! IT's VOID!!! and i go blank. feeling pathetic. don't know who to look up to, whom to ask for help. my friends, i'm sure they are tired and sick of me telling this umpteenth time. infact, now i have decided not to bother them with this. and my parents, my mother can still understand me. but my father, i'm sure he'll throw me out of house!

i can't believe myself, being 21 and dont know what i want to do! and staying at home is the thing that tortures me most! i don't know how to pull myself again and bring zeal to my life. i don't know how, when and where i would get that motivation ever again to leave everything behind me and start afresh. in fact, start afresh for what?! :|

The Universe

When we speak, we are heard by the entire Universe.
When we laugh, the whole Universe dances with joy.
When we dance, the entire Universe watches us in awe.
When we give, the abundant Universe cries, knowing we have opened our Hearts.
When we achieve, the baby Universe Parties and Celebrates too.
When we sleep, the benign Universe stands guarding us.
When we cry, the dear Universe shakes with love.
When we think, the entire Universe waits patiently for us to decide.
When we are scared, the Universe shields and protects us with His love.
When we love, then the Universe, You and I become One.

In The End

The way things have ended; it’s alright.
Our ways have parted; it’s alright.
Time has changed; we have changed.
And it was meant to change.

The moments we spent together were memorable.
The things you have taught me are remarkable.
The silences we have shared were soothing.
But we both knew, one day, it will end.

Hasta la Vista Baby :)

Aha. Finally Exams ended. I don't recall, when was I last so happy, when final exams ended. :)
But now slowly, the realization that with exams ,my college is also complete. I am graduate. (OK, unofficially only!) but yes I'll get clean-chit of being a graduate and get my degree.
3-years back, when school was about to finish, i always said I'll never miss my school days. and people around me, always said, bet you'll miss it. they are your school memories of past 13 years. but i was stubborn that I'll never miss it. and yes, till date i don't miss it. and will never miss it. but i miss my school and not school days.

And now when college has ended too..I'm sure I'll never miss my college. Throughout third year, i always kept saying one thing, thank god college is ending, Had it been more than a 3-year course, i would definitely left my degree in between and left the college. i can't stand that place anymore. Thankfully, my journey with that place is over. :)

But, I'll miss my college days. At least, I'll miss meeting Poulomi every morning with the biggest grin on my face. I'll miss asking her when will our college end. i will miss giving her high-fives for nothing and everything. i will miss the little-bit college gossip we do. I'll miss cribbing about people whom i never liked. i will miss laughing-like-i-never-laughed. i will miss meeting Sandeep and wishing him every morning. i will miss shubhangi too, her silliest things she does at time. I'll will miss the squirrels to whom i used to feed from kurkure to Maggie to kit Kat to mum's cooked paranthas. i will miss being bossy at times. I'll miss get angry over the most insensitive things my classmates do. I'll miss cribbing about the teachers. I'll miss aparana mam-the cutest teacher i have ever met, i call her teddy. she's short in height and speaks as if train chooti rahi ho. aw www bahut cute hai. I'll miss sitting in the bagicheea (our college garden). I'll miss waiting when will this all get over. I'll miss the most adored place of our college-the photocopy shop in the college. in third year, every other day I'm there at he to get something or other xerox. hm mm i'll miss alot of things.

I remember it very clearly, on the second or third of college.it was raining heavily. as i was entering the class, no teacher was there in the class. very few people were there and saw a girl (name Poulomi) sitting reading some book (which i later came to know was Fountain Head!) and by just seeing her i got a vibe that she'll the best friend I'll ever have. she is a genuine person. ( and these things doesn't happen to me everyday!) i just knew she's the best person in class. i never judge people on seeing them whether they'll be good friends or not. but on seeing that girl i just felt and knew she is. so obviously, i wanted to know her, wanted to be her friend and get along. and so i went and sat next to her. asked her name..which i never understood! and she was very very sad..and said I'll go to lsr next year come what may. i thought koi baat nahi, paagal ho gayi hai. I'll talk to her next time. But next day what i saw, blew my mind away. i saw her with the person whom i hate the most-komal i couldn't believe she was getting so well with komal! the only person i would never talk to, even if she's the last person on this planet!
I knew one thing, I'm not going to fight like kindergarten kids for yeh meri friend and all! so i just let it go and believed that 'someday' we'll for sure talk and get along very well. so i got another group of friends...and lots of things started to change.and slowly slowly 1st year ended. And while 1st year was ending...somehow Poloumi and I were talking. i don't recall, that i told her about my 1st thought about her, to her....but she says i told it to her and obviously, she was like : anybody would react like that. its natural and expected.
And in second year too, things changed alot..we were coming in terms to talking and going along well but at one time poulomi and i stopped talking at all. in fact, i ignored her. i stopped contacting her. taking her calls. and never ever said even hi in college. i did feel very bad and guilty for it.
but then one day in second year. it was in November...after watching a movie (won't name the movie here, ha ha ha ha) i contacted poulomi again and told her everything why i ignored her.everything. and apologised for my behavior. i told her i always wanted us to be good friends and get along very well. and since that day.... we are friends like we-know-each-other since ages. she's the best person i have ever known. exactly what i felt on that 1st day. the most genuine person. my best friend. second year..third year..both were roller coaster years but poulomi has stood by me in thick and thin like no-one has.tolerated my tantrums, my over-reactions, my stupidity. everything.
The reason i have written about this story here is cause this is one integral part of my college days. the one person whom i met through this college..whom i treasure as a friend for-ever.my life time friend. :)

In last three yers, besides things have changed..i too have changed as a person.how was in school, how i am today..are very two different Neha. no, the basic neha is same. but i'm much more confident now. more more smart now. i stick to my decisions now. i'm much more responsible for my actions now. I'm grateful now. And I Stay hungry and Foolish now. :P

Crayons :)

CRAYONS
I see life as a canvas. A Big Blank Canvas which never ends. As long as I breathe this Canvas can never end. And this Canvas is a reflection, a clue, a reminder of what I think. And all the things which surround me are the crayons, are just the tool to fill this canvas on every-day basis. And the crayons are unlimited too. they too never end. and i simply love the feeling that i own my canvas and can paint anything on it. its simple amazing. and the biggest and HUGE crayon is our thoughts which causes feelings to generate. and its a universal truth that our Thoughts do Become Things. Isn't is amazing? that we can chose our crayons and make create our canvas as per we want. At least, I chose this path. Its full of fulfillment and gives a feeling which i have never felt before. :) I love this feeling. The feeling of being Unlimited. The feeling of being free. The feeling of simply being what I want to be. The feeling of bliss. The feeling of blessed and grateful. :)
And my new crayon is: writing.

At last I have not-only-thought-to write but finally I am writing!
I have been thinking of writing since a while now..actually more than a while but didn't know what exactly i wanted to write.. most of the times I keep myself in vague,abstract thoughts that days just pass on, time flies by and I'm still there lost in my thoughts don't know what to-do next. But now i know what i want and what i want to write down.
First of all this is the first time I'm writing something....as in I have never written any article or poem before. No wait, i did write a poem- a poem for my ex-boyfriend two years ago... that was the first time in my life I ever wrote something. I don't even remember what i wrote, ( i know how can anybody forget what she had written from her heart) but i have really don't remember what did i write..though the memory of writing it is very fresh in the dark corners of my mind.. That poem was very special for me.. cause it was my first poem and it was for the person-who-i -thought-was -my-world....but things did change. Actually it changed 360 degree...hmmm my article is going somewhere else only.. i didn't intent to write about this....ummm there i go nostalgic again....

OKaaay! lets come back to what I wanted to write:
So here it is...i don't remember what i wrote in the poem except from it was very nice and my first ever poem and now its my First ever-article which is just like penning my thoughts into a personal Diary.. (indeed it is).and I want to thank my only inspiration who indirectly made me to write, made me to blog-Harshad. Thank you Harshad. I really owe you big. :)

It started like this: I have been reading Harshad's blog on regular basis and before reading his blog was like why do people read each other's blog??? why do people blog at all?
but after reading his blog I'm like why not read and maintain blog..its so much fun to write and the best part is we can write anything and everything..its so simple and yet so enchanting. yes it definitely is Enchanting! and all credit goes to my sweet friend Harshad. Thank you very much. :)